2010 -Ready to bid you adieu

2010 has not been the best year for me. In fact, of my 41 yrs. I think it has been the hardest and most challenging. It has been harder than accepting the disease Blaise and Madeline were diagnosed w/ in 2007 and it has been more difficult than going through a divorce. I often have said "Thank goodness for my sense of humor" it has gotten me through plenty of stuff. I simply had no choice but to laugh at some of the disbelief of what had just taken place!

I can think of many people that had a lousy 2010 and have had many personal set backs and life changing moments. I have experienced every emotion possible, forgotten who I was, found who I am and learned the value of the people in my life. I have seen the affects of the type of relationship a parent has with their child can impact them. How not communcating can cause problems. Financial stress has been placed upon me for the first time and how logistics sometimes are just that.  I have seen so much because I have  observed. So much is said when nothing is said at all.

 I have really come to understand that distance doesn't seem so far, when the ones you love are carried in your heart. Some of the people I love are no longer with me, some live in different states, some I haven't spoken to in quite sometime, but how I care for them and the impact they have made on me stay's in my heart. This may be because I am older, wiser and distant from those I love the most. Because of that distance I value the people in my life more. I have also learned that some people I thought have desreved it, do not deserve me.

Tonight I went to a funeral. The last funeral I had been to was that of my mother's 15 yrs. ago. I was a young mother of 2 at 26yrs of age. Madeline was only a few months old, Blaise had just turned 4. I have always been an observer. I observed a lot at my mother's funeral. I noticed how many people came to her viewing. There wasn't enough room at her viewing for everyone to fit in the same room at once. People were in the hallway waiting their turn to say farewell and to give us their sympathies. Mom was a beautiful woman with a giving unselfish heart. People knew that, people were atractted to her because she had this caring smile. My mom was an unselfish woman. Her wants never came first. I was lucky to have a mom like her. A good Christian woman that lived a Godly life and believed very much in the power of prayer. I remember then thinking...wow, I hope I have affected peoples lives the way my mothers did.. I hope people will show up and miss me and pay their respects to the life I lived. I realized we need to give our gratitude to people while they are still living. It's an easy thing to do. I have never really understood why people place so much effort into being mean, hurtful, jealous etc. It takes EFFORT and misery of oneself to hurt others. Being nice and generous should be an easy thing to do on a daily basis.We all have our moments...sure I get that. I do, but in all honesty, I don't think my mom ever did. My mom was a very unique woman.

The people that show up to your funeral are reflective of the life you lived. To those people there, somehow you have made an impact on them. Some, it has been years since they've seen the person lying in the casket and sadly a funeral is the last time they will view that person again. It really isn't a contest to see how many people will be at your funeral, it's how you touched that person there while you were alive.

Yes, 2010 - ready to let you go. So much grief has taken place this year. My eyes have opened up a lot to how people are, how the actions of one affect many and how easily the heart can hurt. There of course have been good things that have happened this year and so many blessing, but good lord how I had to go through so much to find them!!! Phew - life's about growing and change...it just really seems that some things I should've already known by age 41.

Dec 31st I will be waiting for the ball to drop, for the clock to switch to midnight and for a better more promising year to arrive!

~ N